As a millennial, we are constantly bombarded and the target of an inordinate amount of self help books and mental health guide on how to deal with the negative emotions such as grief, anger, jealousy and so on . Thus, as much as second hand guilt I experienced by writing this article, it’s about time I addressed this crucial topic. Read at your own peril.
Growing up as a child, I was a boisterous child shifted from babysitter’s to nanny left and right. I never had the steady or grounded experience like my sister. I had learned at a young age that my incessant tears, angry wailing and rowdy attitude is not a good deal for any amount of money. I was cautioned to restrain myself and my emotions by my parents, teachers and care givers. They told me that, by acting more amenable and cheery, not venting my emotions, people will like me more. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely was a devil spawn and I understand where they were coming from but those lessons left a big impression on me.
Growing up, I maintained this fake decorum, smiled when I was seething and laughed when I was in pain. My go to attitude when in a sorrowful or serious mood is to make a joke, and adversely sweeping the core issue under the rug. And the biggest complicit in this was, the people around me. They encouraged and praised me for this behavior. The amount of time I have been patted on the back because I was able to keep my smile intact when someone is tearing me to pieces is countless.
And I only realized that this method was defective when I was talking with an old friend from school. It was our yearly catch up event and we rarely met up these days to talk about the good old days. But instead of feeling excited and in a good mood, I experienced a fresh onslaught of hurt and pain, reminiscing over the bad times and scalding remarks we had made about each other. Because I never gave myself the opportunity to truly experience the emotions, it had been buried in my subconscious only to veer its ugly head when the gathering occurred. Unlike the rest of my schoolmates, I never did have a god time at the get together. I was constantly making caustic remarks at said friend, being miserable in general and was ruining the camaraderie. I left the event early as well and felt lousy.
This jolted me out of my ‘happy person play’ that I was putting for myself, I needed to allow myself to heal and identify my triggers buttons. Understand where it comes from and systematically work on them. That’s when I took upon journaling and writing. I also created a mini project wherein I would write a letter for all the people that have hurt and caused me pain in the past (knowingly and unknowingly). It was inspired from the book To All the Boys I Have Loved minus the drama and actually sending the letter. But it was no way a pretty moment, I was exhausted and emotionally depleted at the end of it and I still do have the momentary residual resentments and anger ebbing and flowing now and then. But I felt much lighter and calmer after the project as I was able to validate and introspect the incidents in a calmer position. But the key is to be detached from it and not get caught up with the emotions.
This mini project gave me a deeper insight on myself and I also never realized how much scars I have collected and bundled myself in along the years. And like all scars, there are deeper ones that have festered and need more care and there are ones that I have grown out of and able to look back, and genuinely smile at.
There are plenty of articles and books on working through the negative emotions much strategically which I will list below, but it’s important to remember that it's not a one size fits all theory. Listed below are the six ways to work through the negative emotions effectively and I would advise taking what benefits you and leaving the rest.
1. Acknowledging the feelings
The primary steps are to acknowledge the emotions being faced. Instead of brushing them off as not worthy, troublesome or juvenile, it’s best to work towards accepting them. They are an extension of your heart and mind, thus respect it but don’t get caught up in it. This is an essential step and I would recommend to acknowledge it by perhaps jotting it down. The ways to identify it is by understanding what are your triggers and 'don't push buttons'. A list of memories and incidents that you could identify with particular emotions such as jealousy, anger, hate, grief, sadness or pride. Then systematically working on what caused it and validating the emotions that arises from it.
2. Practicing self-care
Self-care is a huge domain and the best way to explain it is; practice and taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, especially during period of stress. Self-care varies from individual to individual, but the basic principle is to take some time off and put the spotlight on yourself. My definition of self care is to soak in the hot water and lighting some aromatic candles, but the same could not be said for everyone. Thus identity what self-care means for you and establish a set of routines that could be practiced to alleviate negative emotions. It's a way to put the emotions on the back burner for a few minutes or hours and then getting back to it once you are refreshed and able to see it from a new perspective.
3. Journaling or recording thoughts
Journaling is blowing up these days and the key for this method lies on the consistency of the act. There are no wrong or right way of doing it but it's important to spend a quality amount of your time on it and writing 'what are the negative emotion/s that you are facing?', 'what was the cause/s behind it?' and slowly working up more questions and get to the root cause of it. More of then than not, there are some form of childhood trauma behind this emotions and in some instances, it could be just an emotion with no causal reasoning behind it, but it's best to ask exploratory questions and delve deeper. And if writing is not your cup of tea, then perhaps you could speak and record your emotions and thoughts out loud. It's form of self talk and acting as your own counselor. By recording it, you can create a playlist of thoughts and musings as well.
4. Meditating
Meditation is a mental workout that enables you to practice and cultivate mindfulness. By residing in the present moment, this will reduce your mind from delving on the negative emotions, work towards minimizing the negative feelings and also increases the pain threshold level for negative emotions. The key is to start small and work towards improving your concentration and again, consistency is key. For new beginners, I would recommend enlisting to guided meditation class or subscribing to a YouTube video that provides you with the basics to start meditating. These are a couple of books that have personally helped me as well:
5. Speaking to someone
By speaking (cue: venting) out the negative emotions, it would help you release the pent up emotions and get it out of your system. You can speak either to a certified therapist or a trusted friend and family members. There are a few do's and don'ts that should be practiced and kept in mind when you do share your emotions with others. And for the rest, where sharing your emotions and feelings, is a foreign experience and you don't know how to go about it then know that it only becomes easier through practice. According to Caruso (The Atlantic), the essential step to begin is by starting with a trusted confidante and slowly desensitizing yourself towards the act of talking about negative emotions to someone else. Baby steps!
6. Practicing emotional regulation tools
Emotional regulation is defined as the skill to comprehend, command and employ your emotions in a way that benefits you. And a healthy emotional regulatory system, builds emotional awareness as well as social awareness. This in return, would enable you to reappraise the emotions experience and view it from a different narrative and perspective. 5 key elements in self regulation includes mindful awareness, adaptability, self love, self awareness and cognitive reappraisal. By practicing and developing self regulation, you are able to identify your own emotions and modify and utilize it in an effective manner.
In the movie Inside Out, we come to an understanding that emotions, the good and the bad are necessary in life. This article though stands by on how to regulate and acknowledge the negative emotions, it's important to remember that even 'ugly' emotions has its use and purpose.
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